If you want to talk to God, run an ultra.
-- Dean Karnazes --
Pursuit of a dream
Ultra Tour des 4 Massifs (Ut4M), 166km, 10000+m of vertival climbing, 4 mountains ranges, all in 53 hours time limit. If you think you can comprehend the distance, think again. I still remember the first time I heard of Ultra Trail du Mont Blanc (UTMB). I was so in awe. One day I will complete one, I told myself. However, to participate in UTMB, one needs points, points earned by completing other trail running courses.
And there was me in the beginning of April and there was Ut4M. A course very similar to UTMB but there is no need of qualifying points and anyone who is brave enough can participate. I wasn't sure if I would still be in the Alpes region next year summer and most probably I won't have time and money to participate in enough races to qualify for UTMB. Ut4M might be the only chance to realize my dream. I felt like I was running out of time, and afraid if I didn't give it a try, it might never happen. So I signed up for Ut4M.
The truth is I was no runner. In fact, running had always been my least favorite workout. Yet I chose to do an ultra, simply because I knew it was all about hard work. I was no natural athlete but I believed hard work would carry me far enough. My goal was simple : complete the course within time limit. Besides work and some short runs during weekdays, I spent large portion of many weekends alone in the mountains, doing 40-50km hiking each time, accumulating vertical kilometrage. It was such a long preparation and difficult mental adjustment that it was hard not to take the race seriously. Actually, I had never taken any races as serious as this one before, to the point that I started having recurring dream of running late for the starting time.
The fact that I was a first-timer, having no clue of what to expect during the race, I was extremely nervous as the race day approached. The week before race day, I was feeling out of breathe, my heart was beating out of proportion. I wanted to sleep more but ended up with a few nights of insomnia. I knew the pressure was self-imposed, it was just anxiety kicking in. That week was mentally agonizing to me. All I wanted was to start the race as soon as I could.
The race really started at Vif. Most participants I crossed by during the day were doing only the Vercors 40km race. I have to admit that seeing them getting into buses and finisher T-shirts hurt me psychologically. Knowing that they will be sleeping in their cozy bed tonight while you still have 120km to go, you have to question youself : why you choose to do this shit? I had the same thought at Vif. But since my body was still fresh, it was easy to move on.
After Vif, all who left were people doing the full course. Until Laffrey, I was still fine but I could feel the fatigue already. While the front runners were amazing physically, I came to realize that most participants' mindset was not to test how fast they could finish, but to see how far they could go before the time barrier cut them off. We, participants, all had different life during normal days. But on this day, we came together and we were all runners, searching for our own limits. It was clear that nobody was doing it for glory because there wasn't any. We all were there to see how much we were able to keep on going.
There was a van at very refreshment check points to transport participants who abandonned back to Grenoble. It was always there ready. It was very easy to just stop the suffering, walked away, and hopefully forgot about it. Passing by each check point, seeing more and more people abandoned, the temptation to stop was increasingly appealing. The idea of giving up surfaced when I was in between Laffrey and La Morte. I was like : Shit! It comes too soon! It was at this moment that I had accepted the fact that I might not complete the course.
I always have the tendency of forgetting to eat whenever I am in my own bubble doing some hard effort. After half an hour of nap, I felt so disorientated when I woke up and I made my biggest mistake during the race : I continued on without eating much at La Morte. I only realized about that when I was already half way up to Pas de La Vache. I was already having difficulty chewing down food, now I only had cold chocolate bars in my bag. Pas de La Vache was the highest point of the entire course. Climbing it while running low in energy reserve, I suffered alot. Running out of breathe, I seriously felt like dying. It was an exposed climb, cold wind kept blowing strong during that night. I literally stopped to rest for every ten meters I advanced.
That climb was a tedious conversation with myself. At some point, I sat down and I felt like I was just done. I was just in another world. I just remember seeing all the stars in the sky. I switched off my headlamp and just trying to take in deep breathe. All my thoughts were just gone, the daily life, work and school, all gone. Probably the view or probably the chilling wind, goosebump spread through my body. That feeling for me was really special. That was some really distilled existence.
The descent from Pas de La Vache to Poursollet was unforgiving too. It was steep and slippery. Some passages were so damn gnarly and scary, especially when my legs were weak. Although it was only 10km from La Morte, it took me 5 grinding hours to reach Poursollet check point. From that point, the sun would rise soon and I knew I would be able at least to reach Riouperoux. At Pas de l'Envious, I saw the sunrise. It was great to see sunlight again after a long long night.
After another long descent later, at around 9am, I reached Riouperoux check point. My legs were just beat up after all. I nearly lost all my time margin. However I was satisfied of what I had done and I had no wish to continue anymore. Although only 25 hours had passed since the starting line, I felt I had experienced a whole year worth of time. I wanted to give up but strangely I didn't have the guts to walk up to the official to annonce so. I had never knew that to give up it needs courage too. It was a decision so final that I couldn't do it on my own. So I waited for my friend Louis to come. We talked a little bit, only then I abandoned officially.
The truth is I was no runner. In fact, running had always been my least favorite workout. Yet I chose to do an ultra, simply because I knew it was all about hard work. I was no natural athlete but I believed hard work would carry me far enough. My goal was simple : complete the course within time limit. Besides work and some short runs during weekdays, I spent large portion of many weekends alone in the mountains, doing 40-50km hiking each time, accumulating vertical kilometrage. It was such a long preparation and difficult mental adjustment that it was hard not to take the race seriously. Actually, I had never taken any races as serious as this one before, to the point that I started having recurring dream of running late for the starting time.
The fact that I was a first-timer, having no clue of what to expect during the race, I was extremely nervous as the race day approached. The week before race day, I was feeling out of breathe, my heart was beating out of proportion. I wanted to sleep more but ended up with a few nights of insomnia. I knew the pressure was self-imposed, it was just anxiety kicking in. That week was mentally agonizing to me. All I wanted was to start the race as soon as I could.
Judgement day
Finally on 21 Aug 2015, at 8am, judgement day. I was suprisingly calm at the starting line. Probably I had accepted my fate. Finish or no finish, I just wanted to get over it. In any endurance race, it is always best to start slow and never go into the red zone too soon. For the first 40km, the Vercors portion, I took it slowly but never stayed too far behind. When I reached Vif at 5pm, I felt relatively fresh and I still had a few hours in front of the cut-off time. Plus my friends were there in Vif welcoming me. Able to talk to people I know for a while certainly did good to me.The race really started at Vif. Most participants I crossed by during the day were doing only the Vercors 40km race. I have to admit that seeing them getting into buses and finisher T-shirts hurt me psychologically. Knowing that they will be sleeping in their cozy bed tonight while you still have 120km to go, you have to question youself : why you choose to do this shit? I had the same thought at Vif. But since my body was still fresh, it was easy to move on.
After Vif, all who left were people doing the full course. Until Laffrey, I was still fine but I could feel the fatigue already. While the front runners were amazing physically, I came to realize that most participants' mindset was not to test how fast they could finish, but to see how far they could go before the time barrier cut them off. We, participants, all had different life during normal days. But on this day, we came together and we were all runners, searching for our own limits. It was clear that nobody was doing it for glory because there wasn't any. We all were there to see how much we were able to keep on going.
There was a van at very refreshment check points to transport participants who abandonned back to Grenoble. It was always there ready. It was very easy to just stop the suffering, walked away, and hopefully forgot about it. Passing by each check point, seeing more and more people abandoned, the temptation to stop was increasingly appealing. The idea of giving up surfaced when I was in between Laffrey and La Morte. I was like : Shit! It comes too soon! It was at this moment that I had accepted the fact that I might not complete the course.
Lowest point at the the highest point
When the night fell, the race became entirely different. At night, the vision was greatly reduced. The runners were quite far apart between each other that sometimes I found myself alone in the dark. It was so quiet that my heartbeat and my breathing became the dominant sound. By the time I reached La Morte, it was almost midnight. The desire to quit was intense. At this point, I still kept my time margin manageable. So I took a nap in hope of boosting my morale.I always have the tendency of forgetting to eat whenever I am in my own bubble doing some hard effort. After half an hour of nap, I felt so disorientated when I woke up and I made my biggest mistake during the race : I continued on without eating much at La Morte. I only realized about that when I was already half way up to Pas de La Vache. I was already having difficulty chewing down food, now I only had cold chocolate bars in my bag. Pas de La Vache was the highest point of the entire course. Climbing it while running low in energy reserve, I suffered alot. Running out of breathe, I seriously felt like dying. It was an exposed climb, cold wind kept blowing strong during that night. I literally stopped to rest for every ten meters I advanced.
That climb was a tedious conversation with myself. At some point, I sat down and I felt like I was just done. I was just in another world. I just remember seeing all the stars in the sky. I switched off my headlamp and just trying to take in deep breathe. All my thoughts were just gone, the daily life, work and school, all gone. Probably the view or probably the chilling wind, goosebump spread through my body. That feeling for me was really special. That was some really distilled existence.
The descent from Pas de La Vache to Poursollet was unforgiving too. It was steep and slippery. Some passages were so damn gnarly and scary, especially when my legs were weak. Although it was only 10km from La Morte, it took me 5 grinding hours to reach Poursollet check point. From that point, the sun would rise soon and I knew I would be able at least to reach Riouperoux. At Pas de l'Envious, I saw the sunrise. It was great to see sunlight again after a long long night.
After another long descent later, at around 9am, I reached Riouperoux check point. My legs were just beat up after all. I nearly lost all my time margin. However I was satisfied of what I had done and I had no wish to continue anymore. Although only 25 hours had passed since the starting line, I felt I had experienced a whole year worth of time. I wanted to give up but strangely I didn't have the guts to walk up to the official to annonce so. I had never knew that to give up it needs courage too. It was a decision so final that I couldn't do it on my own. So I waited for my friend Louis to come. We talked a little bit, only then I abandoned officially.
Gaining elevation
After I came back to Grenoble, I did go to see the arrival of final finishers. It was so emotional to see them fighting until the end. That will power in their eyes, that tenacity in their mind, these weren't something that can be taught. They were the prove that normal people could also archieve the unimaginable. I felt elevated because I knew I had walked among them, although not until the end.
It is a bummer that I didn't finish what I had set to do. I just don't have what it needs to finish the course this year. You could say I could have gone further on instead of stopping at Riouperoux since I still had some margin. I felt and still feel the same too. But in the end, I guess I would say : what important is not the destination, it is the action. I don't regret my decision. I am still new in trail running and this is just my first try at ultra. Imagine if I had actually succeeded. I think this success would do more harm than good. Success makes you overlook many things. In defeat, you will see a bigger picture.
Einstein is right. Time is relative. 25 hours can mean an eternity. Running an ultra is trully a religious experience and this is my way to commemorate Grenoble and all the years I have spent here, huge ups and downs, just like Ut4M.
It is a bummer that I didn't finish what I had set to do. I just don't have what it needs to finish the course this year. You could say I could have gone further on instead of stopping at Riouperoux since I still had some margin. I felt and still feel the same too. But in the end, I guess I would say : what important is not the destination, it is the action. I don't regret my decision. I am still new in trail running and this is just my first try at ultra. Imagine if I had actually succeeded. I think this success would do more harm than good. Success makes you overlook many things. In defeat, you will see a bigger picture.
Einstein is right. Time is relative. 25 hours can mean an eternity. Running an ultra is trully a religious experience and this is my way to commemorate Grenoble and all the years I have spent here, huge ups and downs, just like Ut4M.
Special thanks to Louis, Cyprien, Thibaut, and Eugene
