Every single shop is closed. The streets are as empty as they can ever be. The city is dead as it is motionless and awkwardly silent. The only thing reminds me of life is the scent of the chrysanthemum floating in the autumn cold morning. While I am boiling water for my coffee, the sudden realization hits me : today is Toussaint, a day to remember the dead one.
If I recall correctly, this is what happened when the news struck me. It was six in the morning in Malpensa airport. The sun was already out. The brightness of the sun suggested summer heat with great intensity. But the air was cold inside the airport as the air conditioner was on full blast. I was putting on my jacket as I was having my coffee, while waiting for the arrival of my family. The night before was a good night sleep for me despite sleeping in the airport. The day started fresh and promising.
My family arrived very soon after the exact arrival time of their flight, so much sooner than I had expected. There is no single current communication technology, not Skype, not telephone, not Voip, can replace the joy of seeing the people you love in person, hug them, talk to them. And this was the exact emotion we all experienced when my family and I were finally reunited. But through the eyes of my parents, I could slightly sense that they felt differently : joy but at the same time something more...
"Your grandpa just passed away", said my mother. I knew it was a bad news and I should be sad, face to face with his death. I waited for awhile. I guess I was waiting for my eyes to swell up, waiting for some sort of tears. While at the mean time, my eyes were avoiding everybody, looking into the void, and everybody else seemed to be waiting for my response. I felt a strange kind of pressure, the one same as an actor on stage while the audience were expecting him to perfect the performance. But nothing hit me. Absolutely nothing! For a brief moment, I didn't know what to feel except ashamed of myself for not feeling sorrow.
Probably of the generation gap, or of the lack of time my grandpa and I had spent together. Whatever the reason of my lack of emotion after hearing the news, the first thing I had in mind : it hit my dad hard, and so to my grandma, my aunties and uncles. I worried about them. I knew that they had to stay strong, for now that our family had just lost its most important pillar.
The funny thing is, my dad was giving me a lot of motivation to comfort me, while it should be the other way. I should be the one comforting to him. But I guess it is a duty of a dad, and also the ego of a man for not showing what men assume to be a weakness : showing his emotions in front of another man. I was certain that he was sad deep down. But in between me and my dad, we only talk deep emotional stuff when alcohol is involved. I got to know what he really felt afterwards through my mom, as he only expresses his feelings to her. I guess it is a curse of men, as we are not socially acceptable to express our emotion all the time and so we are trained not to show it. Men are socially handicap, as we are unable to express ourselves easily.
The person I worry the most is probably my grandma. She just lost her the other half, can you imagine that?! Later, my sister told me that my granddad left my grandma some sort of last words in a book which she had long forgotten. How sweet was he! I cannot imagine her go through all these hardship. Luckily, both my aunties are always staying very near to her. In case she needs somebody to be there with her suddenly, there will be somebody.
Death is so final, so forever. It is like saying goodbye and knowing we will never see each other again. Forever is so cruel, so far beyond our grasp. "I am not afraid of death but I resent it," and this is exactly how I feel about death : I hate it, I hate it when people die, and I hate to die. I hate the fact that the brightest in our family is gone, forever.
Whenever I thought I read enough books, thought that I have known enough, my granddad always came up with something that I had not known before. Until today this moment, I still have no idea how much he knows. If he is a mathematical symbol, he would be the infinity. He is one of the people I look up to, besides my dad, Einstein, Tesla, Buddha, and so many more. It might be useless now because I should have said all this to him when he was around. I don't know how my dad views my granddad but I think at one point of our life, father is a superhero to all us. In fact, both of them are heroes to me. If I am Frodo Baggins, my dad will be Aragorn and my granddad will be Gandalf. But this time, Gandalf is gone and he won't be back as Gandalf the White.
Banksy said : "They say you die twice. One time when you stop breathing and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last time." So my granddad might be physically gone forever, but I am sure that this passage would not be the last time my granddad being mentioned.
潘志高 is my granddad.
The person I worry the most is probably my grandma. She just lost her the other half, can you imagine that?! Later, my sister told me that my granddad left my grandma some sort of last words in a book which she had long forgotten. How sweet was he! I cannot imagine her go through all these hardship. Luckily, both my aunties are always staying very near to her. In case she needs somebody to be there with her suddenly, there will be somebody.
Death is so final, so forever. It is like saying goodbye and knowing we will never see each other again. Forever is so cruel, so far beyond our grasp. "I am not afraid of death but I resent it," and this is exactly how I feel about death : I hate it, I hate it when people die, and I hate to die. I hate the fact that the brightest in our family is gone, forever.
Whenever I thought I read enough books, thought that I have known enough, my granddad always came up with something that I had not known before. Until today this moment, I still have no idea how much he knows. If he is a mathematical symbol, he would be the infinity. He is one of the people I look up to, besides my dad, Einstein, Tesla, Buddha, and so many more. It might be useless now because I should have said all this to him when he was around. I don't know how my dad views my granddad but I think at one point of our life, father is a superhero to all us. In fact, both of them are heroes to me. If I am Frodo Baggins, my dad will be Aragorn and my granddad will be Gandalf. But this time, Gandalf is gone and he won't be back as Gandalf the White.
Banksy said : "They say you die twice. One time when you stop breathing and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last time." So my granddad might be physically gone forever, but I am sure that this passage would not be the last time my granddad being mentioned.
潘志高 is my granddad.
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| The latest photo I had with my grandparents, edited by my sister |
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| My granddad and I |
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