Wandering and wondering

'I have only a few things that matter in my life.' I like it because of the implication of simplicity of life, that life can be concluded by only a few things. Like Orkham's Razor stated, "Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily", in other words, the truth is often very simple. This statement might not be true for what life should be, but at least it is the truth for me. Regardless the simplicity of the statement, unfortunately it appears to be dangerous according to my own experience.

The danger is when you lose all those things that matter, even losing just some of them, the consequence will be drastic. Because they are important in one's life, they will eventually define your life, and fighting for them makes life worth-living and beautiful. It is also because they matter a lot that it makes you vulnerable. By losing them, your whole world will crumble. You will eventually losing gasp of what matters what doesn't.

There is a moment in my life when i lost count of days. Monday to Sunday system didn't apply to me anymore, day became night, night became day. I hadn't talk to people for so long that i felt i had lost my ability of communicating. Living without a motivation, a clear purpose, is proved to be very hard. Diverted from normal life even made me doubted my sanity once.

It is also during this moment that i used to had a bike ride in downtown every night around 3 to 4 am. I found it really calming. I usually fell asleep without any trouble after the bike ride. It is a period of time when it is too late at night for even the drunks have already fallen asleep, and yet too early in the morning since nobody wakes up at this time. This is the time i felt total freedom and loneliness, the kind of loneliness that i wanted, that i wasn't bonded to the social obligation to speak to people.

The town is entirely mine.

What is normal, what is abnormal anyway ? Norms differ throughout the history, differ according to different people. Suddenly whatever Tyler Durden said is so strangely beautiful to me.

During the daily bike ride, i have noticed many details that i missed out before. For exmple, what time the police patrol car passes by the avenue daily, what time the the lawn infront of the Hotel de Ville is watered by the automated water spray, and so on. 

I have noticed one thing, in every town in France, there will always be a SDF who is always there. He wanders around but never leaves the town. Well in my town, there is also one. He always sits down in front of the cinema. I have never seen him in other places of the town yet. I always passed by the cinema whenever i did my bike ride at night. I really wanted to ask him his purpose of life, his point of view at the world around him. He became SDF by desperation? How desperate was he? Is it by choice just like Diogenes of Sinope, using his lifestyle to criticize the social values and institutions? 

I don't know why but i didn't ask him in the end.

Everything always has both good side and bad side. As my confusions grow, I eventually seek for the professionals to guide me through, to help me organize the total mess in my mind. This mess was also the reason i couldn't sleep at night. Well it wasn't entirely a bad thing after all. Whenever i couldn't sleep, my inspirations flow in like Niagara fall. During this time, i had written a lot of poems. May be Arthur Rimbaud is right. He once said,

I say that one must be seer, make oneself a seer. The poet makes himself a seer by a long, prodigious, and rational disordering of all the senses. Every form of love, of suffering, of madness; he searches himself, he consumes all the poisons in him, and keeps only their quintessences.  ........ For he arrives at the unknown!

May be i have met some of the qualities of a poet, by Rimbaud's standard.

By going through all those things, i have better understandings of my own, understandings to many aspects of life. I am just glad that i didn't deal with the problems in extreme ways.